
There's a reason why this asswipe can't get a job outside of Alabama.
Before Joe really goes off on his rant (sit down and take a deep breath because it will be good) he wants to make one thing perfectly clear:
Joe has nothing against the good people of Alabama.
Now that this is out of the way, buckle up:
Sometimes when a big fish in a small pond gets stagnant in his little cove of the fishing hole, his head grows just slightly larger than its proportion. This, in a nut shell, describes the mental patient on the loose walking the streets of Birmingham that is Paul Finebaum.
Let’s face it: If Finebaum, a radio personality and amateur columnist masquerading as a journalist for a paper in Mobile, was worth two bits he would have graduated to bigger and better things than polluting the public’s airwaves in Alabama. His recent missive, which indirectly is written about two former Bucs coaches, is Exhibit-A.
(Joe is embarrassed to even link to this nonsense, but fears a lawsuit from some unemployed public defender in Montgomery if he doesn’t.)
Finebaum is a disgrace to anyone who holds a journalism degree from an unaccredited college. In simple terms, his cue ball mugshot is found next to the word “hack” in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary (Eleventh Edition). In short, six of nine of his columns basically center around the same theme: Fire (insert coach).
Fire Mike Price… Fire Mark Gottfried… Fire Mike Shula… Fire Tommy Tuberville…
His latest asinine column states emphatically that the University of Tennessee should fire Lane Kiffin after not quite three months into a six-year contract that, if Kiffin is fired before the completion of the contact, the school (read: Tennessee taxpayers and university boosters) would owe him a reported $7.5 million.
Kiffin hasn’t even presided over his first spring practice and this empty head Finebaum thinks the taxpayers of Tennessee should cough up $7.5 million to can him. Maybe Finebaum thinks this buyout money will come from Obama’s stimulus package?
But wait, this gets much, much better (or sadder, depending on your point of view).
Sure, getting rid of Kiffin now would be unprecedented and expensive. However, I’m sure even Tennessee fans with a working brain would admit his career is DOA. Besides, Alabama dumped Mike Price in 2003 before he ever coached a game. But Price’s much-publicized encounter in Pensacola now seems tame compared to what “Lame” has done.
Background: Mike Price was canned by the University of Alabama as the school’s football coach just days after he was hired because he ran up a food/bar/hooker tab on a university credit card. What made the incident worse is that Price did this with a Pensacola call girl. Can you imagine?
So Lane Kiffin, who has been a bit outspoken as the Volunteers coach — nothing even remotely as bad as the smack Steve Spurrier used to spout — is a crime worse than a high-profile state employee using state money for hookers and booze?
Joe can’t consume enough Jameson to figure out just what twisted logic Finebaum is using there.
Here comes the kicker though:
Mike Hamilton, the embattled UT athletic director, should call him in, thank him for three months of (dis)service, hand him a blank check and direct him toward the door while gently placing a pacifier in his big mouth.
Later the same day, the school should formally introduce Jon Gruden as his replacement.
BUHAHAHAHAHA!!!
So let Joe get this straight: In Finebaum’s demented mind the Vols should fire a guy who talks a little bit — which, Joe might add the recruits LOVE — and hire a guy who hasn’t coached at any level of college above a grad assistant? Really!
Tennessee has another nationally respected figure in Bruce Pearl as well.
I suggest Finebaum do a cursory Google search on the name “Deon Thomas.” Joe never knew someone could break federal wiretapping laws and be considered “respected.” Respected by who, G. Gordon Liddy or Sandy Berger?
Gruden would be the perfect replacement. He is available and anxious, having just shockingly lost his job with the Tampa Bay Bucs.
Shocking to who? Someone who doesn’t have a clue to what they are writing about perhaps?
“His résumé is spectacular… “
So being two games over .500 in Chucky’s seven years in Tampa Bay is “spectacular?” So a record of 45-51 since Chucky’s first year is “spectacular?” So being tied for first in the NFC South with four games left and then missing the playoffs with four straight losses is “spectacular?” In what world? Shouldn’t someone pretending to be a columnist have just a slightly better grasp of vocabulary than a second grade student?
Besides, if UT delays, Gruden will get snapped up by Notre Dame…
And if Joe doesn’t delay, he’ll get snapped up by Jessica Alba. Hate to break this to Finebaum, but Notre Dame ain’t biting.
Let’s not forget that one of the Alabama coaches Finebaum led the charge for in running out of Tuscaloosa, Mike Shula, was better at developing quarterbacks than Chucky. How sad is that?
Gruden also has solid Tennessee connections, having been a graduate assistant for two years under John Majors. His wife, Cindy, was a UT cheerleader.
OK, by this twisted, narcotic-induced logic, if Joe somehow dropped the hammer on Jenn Sterger or Tiffany Simons, that means Joe would be in line to succeed Bobby Bowden? Or if Joe somehow hooked up with Jenn Brown that Joe would be working for Urban Meyer?
(Please forgive Joe for a brief moment of lustful fantasies.)
[Gruden] was also reportedly Tennessee’s top choice but showed no interest, believing his future was safe in Tampa where Kiffin’s father, Monte, was his defensive coordinator.
Hey Finebaum, you got a source on that or are you just throwing feces against the wall like you normally do? Not even an “A Tennessee insider told me… ?“
Oh, Joe might add that Bruce Almighty admitted that Monte Kiffin had told the Bucs hierarchy before the season he was leaving. And why exactly would Chucky leave a gig in his hometown for $5 million a year to take a job making roughly half that?
Another provoking thought: How did Chucky’s offense work at the college level with Bill Callahan at Nebraska? Anyone? Bueller?
Look, Joe quit reading Finebaum years ago because the guy was clueless to what he was writing about. Joe suggests any reasoned, sane, literate football fan do the same.
Anyone who writes such moronic, unsourced, ill-researched tripe shouldn’t have his scalp that screams for Rogaine gracing anything above a neighborhood weekly grocery rag much less be credentialed to cover any sporting event above a preseason Little League game in Dothan, Ala.
And people wonder why newspapers are in trouble?
In short, Finebaum’s screed may be the most irresponsible column Joe has ever read.