From The Professor’s Desk …

November 6th, 2009
Caybrew is the official beer of And the only beer you should drink this weekend. But Dead Guy Ale, Joe suspect Josh Freeman might be throwing back a couple of those after Sunday.

Caybrew is the official beer of, and the only beer you should drink. But Dead Guy Ale? The Professor can't resist toasting Josh Freeman with a few of those on Sunday.

Joe’s got famous friends. Sadly, Carmella Garcia is not one of them, but perhaps she’ll come around.

Today, Joe introduces you to another one of his pals. He’s Cork Gaines, a hardcore Bucs fan and the premier Tampa Bay Rays blogger/analyst/wiseass fan on the planet. “The Professor” (sorry, John Clayton) is the creator, curator and Mr. Everything at It’s a site Joe visits regularly. And an absolute must for Rays fans.

Joe is honored to have The Professor joining him for a regular feature at

Everybody relax, I’m here. This is The Professor in the Pork Chop Express, and I’m talkin’ to whoever’s listenin’ out there…

FIRST QUARTER (warming up)
Since last November, the Tampa Bay Rays lost the World Series and then pissed away a 2009 season, finishing 19 games behind the Yankees. In that same time period, the Bucs have lost 11 games in a row…Which team has had the rougher 12 months?

They have both been disappointing, but if I can play the “Stupid Metaphor” game, the Rays were the ugly friend that always hangs out with hot chicks, but can never seal the deal. Meanwhile, the Bucs are more like your friend Narcoleptic Nick. No matter how well or bad things are going, Nick will always puke and pass out about before the evening is over ruining everybody’s night. Meanwhile we hear there is still a hockey team in the area…TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING

SECOND QUARTER (over/unders)
College teams that would be favored in a head-to-head match-up against the Bucs: 2.5

OK, OK. That is a low blow. They are still an NFL team and favored against any college team. But we do wonder what the spread would be if the Bucs played the Gators at a neutral site. 20.5? That’s not a lot…UNDER

Number of people that predicted Josh Freeman would start his first game in week 9 and then jumped up and down like a Whack-A-Mole yelling “I AM NOSTRADAMUS!”: 5,874

My 7-week old daughter predicted that crap the day of the draft, and she was a fetus…OVER

Losses for the Bucs this season: 16.5

After the season, I predict the Bucs will finally accept a 15-year old challenge from Beloit College to play for the right to use Bucco Bruce on their helmets (see 5th bullet in this link). Beloit will win and thus restore the Bucs as the worst team ever…OVER

Wins for Raheem Morris in his career as coach of the Bucs: 8.5

The Bucs saw the success of young coaches with other teams and thought it was the right move. It wasn’t. Hey, we love it too when 7th round draft picks succeed in the NFL. But they were drafted in the 7th round for a reason. Heart is great, but you still need talent to win. Bill Cowher will be coaching this team in 2011…UNDER

THIRD QUARTER (a look back)
Tony Dungy took the Bucs out of the darkness. Jon Gruden won a Super Bowl…Which head coach had the better tenure?

In 7 seasons, Chucky went 57-55 and made 3 playoff appearances. In 6 seasons, Dungy went 54-42 and made 4 playoff appearances. Advantage Dungy. Chucky won a Super Bowl. Dungy built the team that won the Super Bowl. Advantage Gruden. Gruden went 3-1 against the Eagles. Dungy went 1-3. Advantage Chucky. Chucky was arrogant on offense. Dungy liked field goals. Advantage The Other Team. In the end, both coaches gave us something that can never be taken back. A Super Bowl…PUSH

FOURTH QUARTER (no huddle)
Who has been the Bucs MVP over the first 7 games?

The Bucs are 0-7. Take away any one player, and they still have zero wins. On other hand, there are reasons to keep paying attention to the Bucs other than the unintentional comedy factor…Bucco Bruce and Josh Freeman will keep fannys in the seats

The Florida Tuskers play a 6-game schedule. Can they win more games than the Bucs?

The Tuskers are already 4-0…Next question

How many TDs will Josh Freeman throw this Sunday in his first start?

Touchdowns? I’ll cheer if he can throw a spiral…Two (one for the Packers)

The Bucs are breaking out the orange throwback unis this weekend…You cool with that?

I love the Orange. Not the neon orange of the early 90s but the true orange of the 70s and 80s. And I love that it will be against the Packers. And while I usually favor historical accuracy, would it have killed the Bucs to alter Bucco Bruce so he is NOT winking?…Why is he winking?!?

We have heard you pick a beverage for each game based on the matchup…What is the drink of choice for week 9 against the Packers?

Well, we are still waiting for our cases of Caybrew to come in the mail. In the meantime, we are going with Dead Guy Ale in honor of Josh Freeman’s first professional start…Dead Guy Ale

4 Responses to “From The Professor’s Desk …”

  1. Ackall Says:

    “Chucky was arrogant on offense. Dungy liked field goals. Advantage The Other Team.”

    Well put.

  2. Justin Says:

    What is this crap I’m hearing about Beloit and Bucco Bruce? People on Uniwatch have reported the Bucs stole their original logo? Bizarre.

  3. leningan Says:

    good to see ya around here cork!

  4. John Says:

    Push? A PUSH IN YOUR FIRST POST???? Who do you think you are, Michael Wilbon?

    j/k. Nice column, Cork. I hope you’re still writing about the Rays come Februrary, though.