No Sales Pitch Can Save Dallas

September 8th, 2021

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America’s Team looks like roadkill.

Don’t believe all those plaudits the Bucs are sending out toward Thursday night’s opponent — the Dallas Cowboys are not a good football team.

Tom Brady just tossed a few more bouquets in the direction of the Jerry Jones crew, praising the “very talented” linebackers and defensive backs on the Dallas roster.

Dan Quinn is no match, writes Ira Kaufman.

What do you expect Brady to say? He’s not going to mention the Cowboys just turned in the most wretched defensive showing in franchise history en route to a 6-10 mark. That’s six decades of NFL football we’re talking about, so it’s no surprise defensive coordinator Mike Nolan was canned in favor of Dan Quinn.

Oh Danny Boy.

Quinn made his bones presiding over the Legion of Boom in Seattle, where he had a stellar secondary led by Richard Sherman, Earl Thomas and Kam Chancellor. In Dallas, he’s saddled with the Legion of Doom.

If you drafted some Buc players in your Fantasy League, you’d be a fool not to start them in Week 1. Unlike last year, when Brady struggled in New Orleans during his Buc debut, he should get off to a rousing start against these jokers before a packed house at Raymond James Stadium.

While first-round pick Micah Parsons shows promise, the Cowboys are asking a lot of young players to grow up in a hurry. Here’s the front four trying to pressure Brady — DeMarcus Lawrence, Randy Gregory, rookie Osa Odighizuwa and Carlos Watkins.

Could any of them start for the Washington Football Team?

If Dak Prescott is healthy, the Cowboys could feature a productive attack. They have Ezekiel Elliott and a potent trio of receivers, but that won’t matter if the offensive line is overwhelmed.

That’s the sweet spot for Todd Bowles, armed with a pass rush that looks even scarier with the addition of Joe Tryon and a healthy Vita Vea.

Pro Bowl guard Zack Martin is unlikely to play for Dallas and left tackle Tyron Smith is coming off neck surgery. La’el Collins, troubled by a stinger, faces Shaq Barrett, the ultimate pain in the neck for any right tackle.

Jones remains a merchandising marvel, still selling the idea that the Cowboys are a glamour team. He’s a fantastic salesman with a bust in Canton, but Dallas has enjoyed only four winning seasons since 2010.

The Cowboys, Lions and Washington are the only NFC teams who haven’t been in a conference title game in the past 25 years.

That’s hardly the kind of company Jerry wants to keep.

Yet despite all that bad news on the scoreboard, the cash registers keep humming in Big D. According to Forbes, the Cowboys are worth an estimated $6.5 billion, far exceeding the Patriots as the NFL’s most lucrative franchise.

Somebody has to win the NFC East. Those are the rules, even if it may require only an 8-9 record to take the division crown. Jones is usually the league’s most outlandish optimist, but he’ll only go as far as, “We’re going to be a good team.”

Tom Brady captains the far stronger ship

This from a man who usually talks about Super Bowls.

On Thursday, the Bucs and Cowboys will be two ships passing through the night. One’s a destroyer and the other’s a dinghy taking on water.

For too many years, Jones and his braintrust were obsessed with sizzle on draft weekend. Choosing a defensive player with each of the first six picks this spring was an acknowledgement the trenches had been overlooked.

It all comes down to protecting Prescott and badgering Brady.

Dallas is short on both fronts as the NFL champs take their first step in going back-to-back.

Sage Ira Kaufman drives a 2020 Ford Escape, cherry red, from Bill Currie Ford. Ira loves that ride as much as he adores tater tots. Shop now at and demand the Ira Kaufman discount.

34 Responses to “No Sales Pitch Can Save Dallas”

  1. Jack Burton Mercer Says:

    Quinn is a very good DC but there’s just not enough to work with. Also it’s his first time out with these guys so the learning curve is steep. Bucs by a mile.

  2. Medicated Pete Says:

    Bucs easily win. Bet your mortgage on it. Stone cold lead pipe lock. No players get hurt. Special teams will be immaculate. Mike Evans wears the correct length cleats & doesn’t slip & fall

  3. gbobucsfan Says:

    I have a weird feeling that the stripes are going to keep the Boys in this game.

  4. Buddha Says:

    Quinn vs. Brady. How did that work out in the second half of the super bowl?

  5. Buxszntkt Says:

    Ira, you have to stop posting that soft porn photo of you jutting your hips out over your little red Corvette….I mean Ford escape.
    PSL Bob and Rod Muncher are sprouting wood over this photo.

  6. Tampabaybucfan Says:

    Brady struggled in New Orleans during his Buc debut, he should get off to a rousing start against these jokers before a packed house at Raymond James Stadium.

    Thanks, Ira for recognizing Raymond James Stadium as the home of the Bucs….they paid the price for the recognition…..the Stadium Authority or the Bucs got the cash….they deserve our support as as any other sponsor of the Bucs.

    As for the Cowboys….I think we’ll win….but I don’t KNOW we will win…..that, the Bucs have to do….play a complete game on both sides of the ball.

    I know this….Bucs will be the only ones who will beat Bucs.

  7. Scotty in Fat Antonio Says:

    I hope I am VERY wrong, but this article has the makings of a big ol’ KOD.

  8. gbobucsfan Says:

    It has begun….Martin is still a “possibility” to play on Thursday night.

  9. An Erection for Sacks Says:

    “The Dallas Dinghys”

    Well done, Ira!

  10. GhostofSchiano Says:

    Buxszntkt Says PSL Bob and Rod Muncher are sprouting wood over this photo

    Thanks, Still wiping coffee off the screen after that one..LOL!!!

  11. martinii Says:

    Love the Buc’s, followed them for 3 decades+, but like TBBF I don’t KNOW they will win. My over confidence has landed in the sh*t can way too many times. Go Buc’s!!!

  12. SB Says:

    I don’t see how Martin can play under the NFL’s covid policy

  13. Chris@Apple Roof Cleaning Tampa Says:

    Dan Quinn was great, when he had Pete Carroll, but w/o him, Dan has been exposed as a mere mortal.
    Not only did he have Pete Carroll and the Legion of Boom in Seattle, but he also had the loudest Fans in the NFL in a stadium designed to amplify Fan Noise! If you don’t think the Fans in Seattle are an advantage, then you have never been to a game in Seattle. There is a reason that Seattle Fans are called “The 12th Man”. Dan Quinn’s defenses benefited greatly from this Fan Noise, because it made it nearly impossible for opposing QB’s to audible.

  14. PassingThru Says:

    Be afraid, be very afraid. Dan Quinn knows Tom Brady well.

    In Super Bowl 49, Quinn’s Legion of Boom gave up 10 fourth quarter points to Brady’s New England team, setting a record.

    In Super Bowl 51, Quinn’s Atlanta Falcon’s team was beating the snot out of Brady’s Patriots, leading 28-3 with only 2:08 left in the third quarter.

  15. Mike Says:

    Dallas has virtually no chance to win against the Bucs, and that’s not even a slight against the Cowboys. Brady and the Bucs are just on a whole other level right now.

  16. DavidBigBucsFan99 Says:

    Jerry ” I’ll Do Anything ” Jones messed up when he canned all the HOF coaches they had back to back. He’ll do anything to be relevant in real life, not in popularity life that’s why they’re still worth $6.5 billion after 25 years of mediocrity because so many people want to be associated with Ms. America’s team! Even Tony Romo No H__o could help them πŸ˜…πŸ€£πŸ˜‚

  17. DavidBigBucsFan99 Says:

    Passing Thru tell the WHOLE story while trying to get yer agenda across! What’d Brady do to that Dan “Squint” defense in the 2nd half to win that there Stupor Bowl and what did he do to it last year??? How many points did Mr. Terrific and our boys put up against hot mess Atl in two games???

  18. PassingThru Says:


    What is it about sarcasm that escapes you?

  19. Mark Alsott Says:

    I’m trying to stay optimistic, but there’s just something in the air. This game could very easily go the wrong way. Dak is gonna be hungry, and if they get Zeke rolling early, that can spell trouble. Hopefully Brady keeps the team laser focused and they remain hungry. I’m predicting a win (24-17) but the O-line needs to keep Brady clean, and shut down Zeke. Here’s to a good game and no injuries for either team. Go Bucs!!

  20. Leighroy Says:

    Is Jerry Jones aware of the game day ticket discount at the establishments on Dale Mabry? My guess is he’ll be up in the ship at 2001

  21. Bojim Says:

    On a plane to Tampa. It’s full of cowboys. And I hear a few “Brady this and Brady that”. I’m being quite. BWA HAHAHAHAHA

  22. SlyPirate Says:

    Did you know?
    The Bucs average 33 points against Quinn’s Falcons over the last two seasons.

    1. Evans is going to have a big game.
    2. Bucs lead every quarter.
    3. Dak gets pulled in the 4th for safety reasons.
    4. TB12 gets pulled in the 4th after Bucs up +21.

  23. Buxszntkt Says:

    Oh man, thanks Mark Alstott, I’ve been waiting on your prediction so I can place my bet in Vegas. I was getting worried you may not post your prediction, whew, thanks. !! πŸ˜‚

  24. Buxszntkt Says:

    Leighroy, Jerry is well aware of the spaceship. Remember he and Bob Kraft get together every year at the owners meetings and discuss the best spa’s and drink specials around the NFL.

  25. PassingThru Says:

    The latest injury report just came out. The only Buc that will miss the game is Whitehead. Godwin, Bernard and Brown are all estimated as good to go tomorrow night.

  26. ocala Says:

    Opening games can be tricky, but the talent difference is so significant I can not see how the Bucs do not win this game by double digits.

  27. JimmyJack Says:

    Im not down with all these fans tooting their horns. This team aint took a snap yet……… And Ill say it again, our defense was giving up the booty to that Texans RB in preseason. They try that against this team and this might be a close game.

    I dont think that will happen but this team gotta proove it to me.

    And if you dont like the cut of my jib, bafore you attack me, please ask yourself if you were one of the clowns calling for BAs head halfway through last year.

  28. Bruce Blahak Says:

    Its gonna be ugly….for the cowgirls. 57-0!

  29. Cannon Says:

    I am happy to report that I will attend this game live and in person. Friggin’ stoked.

    (I just learned this fact about 5 minutes ago, and I had to share)

  30. Howard Cosell Says:

    Howard always liked Ira’s writing style. Reading this article reminds Howard of reading the ST Pete Times on victory Monday in 1999-2002

  31. DBS Says:

    Bucs 33-17. Game will be decided by halftime. That is my prediction. Guess we shall see.

  32. mg Says:

    Tampa Bay – 31-9

  33. FortMyersDave Says:

    7 – 10 or 7-9-1 can win the East Ira. Bucs win 34-16. Just enough rust for Bruce and Bowles to nitpick when they review the film but the home team wins comfortably.

  34. orlbucfan Says:

    I want the Bucs to win the NFC South, period. After that, whatever..