Raheem The Dream Wants The NFL Network

March 22nd, 2010

As is custom with Joe, his daily ritual involves watching the NFL Network. After all, Joe’s a man and we all know all, real red-blooded American men have the NFL Network.

For years, Joe has noticed the NFL Network has in-house, five-second promos where various NFL coaches tout the NFL Network (as if it needs any touting).

Such bubbling personalities as Tom Coughlin and Brad Childress have been just some of the NFL coaches highlighted in these promos.

Saturday was a first for Joe. There was Raheem the Dream with a broad smile saying, “Hi, I’m Raheem Morris. And all I want is the NFL Network.”

Who wouldn’t want the NFL Network, other than some depressed hausfrau or a yenta of some sort who only wants to watch cheap, overpriced jewelry peddled on some incessant shopping channel?

The promos puzzled Joe. Raheem the Dream is now a man of means. If Joe can afford the NFL Network, why not Raheem the Dream?

Raheem the Dream must live in some deed-restricted penitentiary that tries to illegally abolish satellite dishes (per the FCC, they cannot) and force feeds the unsuspecting residents the vile satanic, customer-hostile outfit better known as Out House Networks which brazenly denies subscribers their demands, yet shoves the same weather forecast and mindnumblingly vapid traffic reports every 10 minutes down customer’s throats.

The unmitigated gall!

(Cambodian strongman Pol Pot was not taken down by his own party due to the enslavement and summary executions of millions of his own people, as is widely believed. Rather, he was imprisoned by the Khmer Rouge because he denied his countrymen, hungry for the NFL Network, after hatching a corrupt deal with the local cable TV monopoly.)

Com’ on, Rah! Joe knows you get the NFL Network at One Buc Palace and, if you so choose, can also watch it at the CITS.

Rah, if you really want to help the good people of Tampa Bay get the NFL Network, you need to go on a speaking tour, popping in on various municipal community meetings to ensure that cities throughout the area revoke their contracts with Out House Networks due to the fact they are holding naive, unknowing subscribers hostage by denying them the NFL Network yet torturing the same poor souls with endless shopping channels and inane stories about new swing sets in the Brandon city park in between repetitive weather updates and aimless traffic reports, treating people as if they are invalid shut-ins unable to work a remote.

3 Responses to “Raheem The Dream Wants The NFL Network”

  1. justin F Says:

    ive had brighthouse forever i wish they would get nfl network sometime soon but even without nfl network brighthouse is 10 times better then verizon will ever be

  2. Eric S Says:

    It is ridiculous that Brighthouse still doesn’t have this network. It has been going on several years now. Just come to an agreement already!

  3. Dan Says:

    i work in the same building as the Dream lives in Tampa and I can confirm that we do not have access to good ‘ol quality Directv or Verizon Fios because of HOA deed restrictions. Of course I am at work but it does not mean I would go sneak a showing of NFL Total Access during my lunch hour.