Archive for the ‘THE PESSIMIST’ Category

THE PESSIMIST: The Absurd NFL Preseason

Friday, August 22nd, 2008

It was frustrating enough for Joe to learn of Bucs guard Davin Joseph breaking a foot earlier this week. Hey, it’s football, injuries happen. But then it was further aggravating to know that Joseph’s injury took place in a worthless preseason game.

Worthless, that is, unless you’re a member of the Family Glazer. Only in the NFL can owners of a business extort top dollar for tickets, beer, food, parking, etc. on a horribly inferior product and still draw 63,365 saps on a Sunday evening.

The fact the NFL even plays these abortions is beyond the pale. But to lose players, good players, to this tripe is the highest order of lunacy.

But brace yourself Bucs fans, still it gets worse. Really: Joseph broke his foot late in the second quarter on an extra point. Yes, an extra point. In a preseason game!

Just what in the name of Rich Kotite was Chucky or special teams coach Richard Bisaccia doing with Joseph playing on an extra point attempt in a glorified scrimmage of a preseason game? Can you imagine?

Consider, some alleged learned soul of a football coach sat in a discussion and was of a mind that the Bucs’ best guard needed extra work on the extra point team.  Late in the second quarter no less.

In some circles, this would be enough to provoke a mental health evaluation of an assistant coach. But with Chucky, such a move is enough that the special teams coach is promoted to “associate head coach!”

Earlier this week, Mike Reiss of the Boston Globe ran a story about how the NFL commissioner (whose hot wife is Fox News anchorbabe Jane Skinner) wants to extend the NFL season to 18 games which would eliminate two preseason games.

Goodell could do away with all of the preseason monstrosities. There is no need whatsoever to play these preseason games. Coaches can evaluate players in practice. If they need to see different teams they can schedule scrimmages with other teams, as has been the practice for years.

The fact the NFL extorts fans with these garbage games is enough to warrant an investigation by the Federal Trade Commission.

Meanwhile, enjoy Mrs. Roger Goodell talking naughty.

THE PESSIMIST: Deacon Jones is a Motivator

Thursday, August 14th, 2008
The Pessimist is impressed with former au pair Elin Nordegren, not Eldrick Woods

The Pessimist is impressed with former au pair Elin Nordegren, not Eldrick Woods

So Chucky arranged for Eldrick Woods to speak to the Bucs? Wow, color me… unimpressed.

Is there a more overrated “athlete” in the universe? I use the term “athlete” loosely because golf is no more a sport than darts or skeet shooting.

Sure, Eldrick (aka Tiger)  is good at what he does (how Stanford avoided being put on probation by the NCAA as a result of him negotiating with an agent while still on the golf team still amazes me). But spare me. Golf is no more a sport than curling.

I mean, what was Eldrick supposed to tell the Bucs? Was he going to show them how to block (I’ve never seen him block)?

Was he going to show them how to pass (I’ve never seen Eldrick throw anything but a tantrum)?

Was he going to show them how to run (I’ve never seen him run)?

Was he going to show them how strong he is (hell, he doesn’t even carry his own clubs!)?

Eldrick does, however, seem to know how to hire an au pair.

Maybe Eldrick was holding a seminar in media relations? That he could do. He could demonstrate to Dexter Jackson how to scream at photographers. “Eeewww! I heard a click. Ban that photographer NOW! WWWWHHHHAAAAAA!!!”

Or possibly, Eldrick could explain to Joey Galloway how to pump his fist and yell like a banshee. Somehow, I think NFL players already know how to do that.

Give me Deacon Jones as a motivational speaker any day!

THE PESSIMIST

Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
Good Seats Available

Good Seats Available

So what kind of town is this, Tampa Bay?

Joe checked out Ticketmaster today and found plenty of good seats available for Bucs games – two together, three together, various price ranges, you name it, etc.

I guess anyone who saw all that Giants blue at January’s playoff game knew there was something wrong. Recession? Or are we not the football town we thought we were?

THE PESSIMIST: Son of Bob Blows

Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
If Brian Griese takes the field for the Bucs this year, Bucs fans will be hanging their heads in shame.

If Brian Griese takes the field for the Bucs this year, Bucs fans will be hanging their heads in shame.

Rick Brown of the Lakeland Ledger really needs to take a cold shower. Or at least do some research.

In a column/love note he penned, he slobbers all over Son of Bob as if the guy is the next Joe Montana. Drools Brown:

Griese worked the West Coast Offense to perfection, connecting with open Tampa Bay receivers at random. In fact, Griese’s longest completion was 14 yards during that drive. Tampa Bay also converted two fourth-and-1s during the scoring drive.

Call Canton! Son of Bob converted two fourth downs where the Bucs needed a yard – one freaking yard!

Someone really needs to get Brown a towel. Or possibly some game tape of Son of Bob. Real game tape, not these glorified scrimmages the NFL trots out in August. Maybe Brown can answer the following:

*If Son of Bob was so good, how come one of the best quarterback coaches in the game, Mike Shanahan, let him go?

*If Son of Bob was so good, how come he couldn’t beat out Jay Fiedler in Miami? Jay Fiedler!

*If Son of Bob was so good, how come he couldn’t beat out Kyle Orton in Chicago? Kyle Freaking Orton!

*More importantly, if Son of Bob was so good, why did Chucky release him two years ago?

Has Brown not watched how defensive backs foam at the mouth at the opportunity to return Son of Bob’s (numerous) interceptions into six points… for the opposition? Does Brown not remember Son of Bob single-handedly made Kenyatta Walker a valuable commodity for his skill in running down defensive backs, preventing them from scoring after picking off Son of Bob?

Son of Bob is brutal beyond words. If he ever has to step on the field for the Bucs during the regular season, this team’s hopes of the playoffs are sunk.

Geniuses Like Chucky Are Too Smart

Monday, August 11th, 2008
Overly complex playbooks like Chuckys is why the play of NFL quarterbacks, to a large degree, smell worse than an unwashed jock strap.

Overly complex playbooks like Chucky's is why the play of NFL quarterbacks, to a large degree, smells worse than an unwashed jock strap.

Joe apologizes up front for the long post.

As usual on Monday mornings, in an effort to forget the depressing rigors of work, Joe logged on to Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback, a must read for football fans year-round.

King, a Lord Favre acolyte, had an interesting quote from Lord Favre:

“I’ve always felt in any offense or defense throughout the NFL there’s way too much volume in a playbook. Coaches have way too much free time.’

This is something Joe has long believed to be true. Not to sound like an old fart, but Joe remembers when every team had a decent quarterback. Even non-playoff teams had good quarterbacks.

In today’s NFL, you can count the number of good quarterbacks almost on one hand. Joe always wondered how there can be so many good QB’s in college, yet few succeed in the NFL. Yet the NFL can have running backs that don’t even start for their college teams and aren’t even drafted that develop into Pro Bowlers and stars.

Here’s Joe’s theory:

There are too many wannabe offensive geniuses (That means guys like you Chucky!). These self-inflated NFL Stephen Hawkings are like trigonometry professors in college. The problem is, their pupils are not intelligent enough to grasp trigonometry. Let’s be honest, most football players major in football in college. Not saying quarterbacks are dumb but only a small percentage of the population can excel in trigonometry.

A good number of NFL offenses, thanks to coaches like Chucky and his ilk, need Ivy League-type scholars to comprehend the playbook. Even Chucky admits it takes a quarterback a few years to fully digest his playbook, which is insane. That’s like saying, “My quarterback will not succeed for a couple of years until he understands my playbook so we won’t be much of a team until then.”

The problem that creates is, Ivy League graduates aren’t physically talented enough to wing a pass between two lighting-fast cornerbacks or big enough to take the punishment from bruising NFL linebackers and defensive ends.

In short, not everyone is cut out to be a trigonometry major, just like not everyone can be a writer, or a biologist, or an astronaut or a linebacker for that matter. Joe is convinced that is why the NFL, in large part, has rotten quarterbacks and why the play of quarterbacks has deteriorated over the years instead of progressing like other positions in the NFL have.

THE PESSIMIST: Pray Chucky is Lying

Sunday, August 10th, 2008
Brian Griese proves that for NFL quarterbacks, its not always who you know, but who your old man is.

Brian Griese proves that for NFL quarterbacks, it's not always who you know, but who your old man is.

If Brian Griese’s old man wasn’t named Bob and he wasn’t in the Pro Football Hall of Fame and a national college football analyst for ABC and BSPN, this butcher of a quarterback would be lucky to be playing in the AF2.

The fact the Bucs traded for this clown — remember, he couldn’t beat out Kyle Orton for the No. 2 quarterback spot with the Bears. Kyle Orton! — is alarming enough. But throw in Chucky’s comments reported by PewterReport.com after last night’s win over Miami in the Bucs first preseason game of 2008, and it’s disturbing enough to reach for a bottle of Jameson at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

“Brian Griese has had a great camp. He did one heck of a job in the two-minute drill. It got a little hairy there because we wasted a timeout, but we still got the ball in the end zone. That was a great way to end the half.”

If the Bucs have to rely on Brian Griese this year they better sign the human holding penalty Kenyatta Walker. When Griese last played for the Bucs (which should have been his last) how many touchdowns did Walker save by tackling defensive backs on their way to running back interceptions — Griese’s interceptions — for six?

The Bucs would be better off acquiring Griese’s old man.