Archive for the ‘THE PESSIMIST’ Category

THE PESSIMIST: Watch The Damn Game

Saturday, November 1st, 2008
"Yo, ESPN.com dude, I'll help you set up your VCR."

"Yo, ESPN.com dude, I'll help you set up your VCR."

Nothing worse than a media guy who claims to be an expert but doesn’t do his homework.

Pat Yasinskas, ESPN.com’s guru of the NFC South, revealed his half-ass work habits in an interview Friday with the Fabulous Sports Babe on ESPN 1010 AM. The Babe brought in Yasinskas to talk about the Bucs and all things NFC and NFC South.

Well, Yasinskas told the Babe he hadn’t watched the Bucs-Dallas game, only highlights.

His reason? Yasinskas said he was in London for the Saints-Chargers game and didn’t get a chance. Yet he said he didn’t stay in England after the game to sightsee.

Ever hear of a VCR, Pat? How bout a DVR? How about calling your friends at ESPN to get you a tape? Or your pals at Bucs headquarters? 

 You cover the NFC South. That’s your whole job. Watch the damn games before you waste every Bucs fan’s time with a radio interview.

THE PESSIMIST: Bucs Offense Beyond Ugly

Sunday, October 26th, 2008
"Jeff, I know we need a touchdown, but don't throw it in the end zone."

"Jeff, I know we need a touchdown, but don't throw it in the end zone."

Time to bust out the barf bags, after you finish screaming at Chucky for failing to throw the ball in the freakin’ end zone on the final drive.

You needed a touchdown coach. Take a shot!

So the Bucs enter the Dallas debacle with Joey Galloway healthy, Jeff Garcia sharp, the offensive line in tact and Antonio Bryant coming off a breakout game. Throw in workhorse Earnest Graham feeling good and Ike Hilliard back on the field, and that’s as healthy as it gets for Week 8 in the NFL.

And the Bucs put only nine points on the scoreboard.

It was the first time this season the Cowboys’ defense had held its opponent to under 10 points!

Some genius this Chucky is.

The Cowboys defense won the majority of battles with the Bucs offensive line, but they didn’t outplay them enough to have held them to nine points?

It’s time to start wondering whether the Bucs have enough offense to win a playoff game.

Today they played a playoff defense and wet themselves.

THE PESSIMIST: Dynamic Duo Are Hypocrites

Saturday, October 18th, 2008
The Pessimist can't believe linebacker Matt McCoy (above) was released less than 12 hours after getting a DUI, yet teh King of Turds is still on the roster.

The Pessimist can't believe linebacker Matt McCoy (above) was released less than 12 hours after getting a DUI, yet the King of Turds is still on the roster.

Hypocrisy, thy name is Chucky. And Bruce Almighty.

The Pessimist came across a little bit of news and is so upset, he can hardly drink a beer despite tons of college football on the tube.

Seems as though Bucs linebacker Matt McCoy got pulled over this morning 500 feet from his house in Tampa and got popped for a DUI.

Hours later, the Bucs released him.

While it’s novel that Bruce Almighty and Chucky had the moral courage to cut a reserve linebacker over a DUI charge (note: he hasn’t plead guilty or gone to trial), it’s the height of hypocrisy that the piece of human debris, the King of Turds, Jerramy Stevens stays on the roster.

Stevens, like McCoy, is a reserve. And unlike the King of Turds, while serious, McCoy hasn’t come close to pulling the stunts that the King of Turds has.

And yet, the scum that is the King of Turds claims he’s being singled out. The nerve!

The fact it took the Bucs hierarchy a few hours to wash their hands of McCoy and embrace that dirtbag Stevens is beyond an outrage. With McCoy, who gets a DUI, Bruce Almighty and Chucky have courage. With the King of Turds who was charged with heinous crimes against women, the Dynamic Duo bend over.

And yes, Bucs fans, Bruce Almighty and Chuck are slapping you in the face with this decision. For Bucs fans of the fairer sex, the Dynamic Duo spits in your face.

This is enough for The Pessimist to throw a beer on the King of Turds tomorrow and get thrown out of the CITS and arrested. It would almost be money worth spent.

In short, cutting McCoy while embracing the King of Turds, is disgusting.

THE PESSIMIST: No Rush, No Super Bowl

Sunday, October 12th, 2008
The Bucs crappy pass rush hasn't taken down a quarterback in 10 quarters.

The Bucs' crappy pass rush hasn't taken down a quarterback in 10 quarters.

Please don’t say the Bucs were near perfect in Sunday’s win against Carolina.

The goal is to craft a Super Bowl team – not a soft division winner – and the Bucs are miles away from challenging for the NFC title.

The pass rush continues to be invisible.  Tampa Bay’s last sack? Try Barrett Ruud taking down Aaron Rodgers in the second quarter against the Green Bay Packers. That’s 10 quarters now without dropping a quarterback.

The Bucs’ success against the Panthers is a testament to their tremendous linebacker and secondary play. (The Bears sacked Delhomme three times. The Vikings dumped him five times.)  Just freakin’ imagine how dominant this D could be if they could get some real pressure up the gut or off the edge.

Monte Kiffin deserves the benefit of the doubt here, but he’s not a wizard.

No matter how Monte schemes, he can’t turn Greg White into Warren Sapp, or Gaines Adams into Simeon Rice. And no matter how many cartwheels Jovan Haye does, he and Chris Hovan will never be mistaken for Pro Bowlers.

THE PESSIMIST: Ronde Dogged It

Sunday, September 28th, 2008
Ronde Barber gave up on a play against the Packers. If he's not fined, he should apologize to the team and the fans

Ronde Barber gave up on a play against the Packers. If he's not fined, he should apologize to the team and the fans

Yeah. Yeah. We all know that Ronde Barber is a superstar, a likely Hall of Famer.  Blah. Blah. A cornerstone of the Bucs’ D for years.

But the reality is that Ronde was beaten badly against New Orleans, was skewered multiple times against the Bears, and against the Packers today he fell down in coverage and allowed a first-quarter touchdown.

Worse, Barber gave up on the play after getting up from the fall. Who the hell gives up on a play on the opening drive

Look at the tape. Barber falls. Greg Jennings gets behind him. Barber gets up. Jennings makes the catch. Barber puts on the brakes. 

If Gruden and Kiffin have any guts, they’ll fine Barber for dogging it. Nobody’s above the team and exempt from giving 100 percent.

And whoever stole Barber’s shoes and swapped them with Dexter Jackson’s, please return them. It’s not funny.

THE PESSIMIST: Sternberg Ain’t No Glazer

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008
If Rays owner Stu Sterberg were a Glazer, he'd be whacked
If Rays owner Stu Sternberg were a Glazer, he’d be whacked

Here’s a tip of the helmet to the Rays organization for making the MLB playoffs, but team owner Stu Sternberg is an absolute idiot for not making every seat at Tropicana Field available for the games. 

Hey, Stu, we’ll never confuse you with Malcolm Glazer and his $1.1 billion Buccaneers empire. You’re going to leave 9,000+ empty seats in your building and then have the balls to ask taxpayers to help you build a new stadium because you aren’t making enough money?

If you were a Glazer, Joel and the boys would have you whacked.

The Devil Rays closed the upper deck for games years ago to save a few bucks and make the atmosphere, uh, more intimate. Sure, a small percentage of seats up there are obstructed view, but the majority would be a freakin’ great place to catch a buzzing playoff game.  Apparently Sternberg hasn’t seen footage of the Final Four and the Devil Rays opening day in 1998.

No, the Rays are going to keep a big plastic bag over those seats, shortchange the businesses surrouding the Trop, piss off iced out fans, and wonder why they don’t have more of a home field advantage.  

Good luck with the new stadium, Stu.

THE PESSIMIST: Cut Dexter Jackson

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

Just get it over with already. It’s time to cut Dexter Jackson. The guy literally can’t stay on his feet. He takes more dives than a Honduran soccer player.

Send him home and promote Michael Spurlock off the practice squad.

Dexter Jackson continues to slip and fall whenever he touches the ball

Dexter Jackson continues to slip and fall whenever he touches the ball

All the Bucs are asking Jackson to do right now is catch punts and kickoffs and use his 4.3 speed to get positive yardage. He can’t do it.

He slipped on the turf in the Superdome, at RayJay, and put on a freakin’ diving clinic at Soldier Field. During his first two returns Sunday, he wiped out on invisible banana peels. After Chucky sat him down, Jackson returned in the fourth quarter to catch a punt and run backwards for a loss.

Where do you go from here with the guy? Running is essential in sports. And he can’t run without falling. What, are they going to work on that in practice? “Good job, Dexter. Way to stay on your feet. One more time. One foot in front of the other. Attaboy. Let’s try it again.”

On top of that, on a day when Chucky serves up 67 passes, not one falls into the hands of the second-round pick out of Appalachian State. If he can’t crack this below-average receiving corps, and he can’t return kicks, then what is his future?

Cut your losses, Bucs.

In case you forgot what a kick return looks like, here’s a look at Spurlock’s historic run last year. Spurlock Takes It To The House

THE PESSIMIST: Son of Bob Must Go

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
Son of Bob can hand the ball off. Anything other than that scares Joe to death.

Son of Bob can hand the ball off. Anything other than that scares Joe to death.

Rick Brown of the Lakeland Ledger has often come up with good reads this season. But there’s one subject that Brown is so far off base on it’s not even funny: Son of Bob, aka Brian Griese.

Brown waxes poetic about Griese again today, as if the guy is Carson Palmer or something. Either Brown has never witnessed Son of Bob quarterback before, or he devotes so much time to covering the Bucs he has tunnel vision.

Or possibly he has a debt to settle with the Griese family?

Today, Brown wrote about the Garcia-Griese quarterback controversy that Chucky has dug for himself. The column is so outrageous Joe really doesn’t know where to start.

Yet, something happened to the relationship between Gruden and Garcia between the start of the 2007 season and now.

It could have been Garcia’s unsteady performance in the playoff game or his openly demanding a new contract.

Gee, you don’t think Chucky sitting Garcia down in the latter part of the season, thereby preventing Garcia’s seven-figure contract bonus from kicking in has anything to do with Garcia being even moderately perturbed? It wasn’t Garcia’s decision to sit himself, it was Chucky’s call. And it cost Garcia a cool million and maybe the Bucs a playoff win. And Garcia is supposed to bend over and grunt, “Thank you, sir, may I have another?”

Hey Rick, pretend you had a quota of columns to write each week. If you meet your quota you get a helluva bonus at year’s end. Your editor tells you to take a break and only write one column next week. Then, come December, you get demoted from the Bucs to cover Kathleen High School girls basketball and not get your bonus.

Why? Because you only wrote one column in a particular week in September. Would you be on good terms with your editor then?

You see, Griese managed the Tampa Bay offense. He made enough plays early to help his squad get a lead and maintain it. He converted third downs and did not throw an interception (he did lose a fumble after getting hit on the blind side).

Yet, will it be good enough when the Bucs face the Dallas Cowboys? Will it be good enough to make it to the playoffs?

For now, Gruden believes so.

More nonsense. This “managing” the offense is a load of crap. You can hire a kid out of high school to hand the ball off. Unless a team has a defense as good as Baltimore’s in the 2001 Super Bowl, “managing” an offense doesn’t get the job done. How successful were the Bucs using that philosophy under Tony Dungy?

A quarterback must be used as a weapon, not a liability. A decent team doesn’t hide a quarterback. If you are not playing for a Super Bowl, then why the hell are you even on the field?

But thanks for bringing up that fumble by Griese when the Bucs had a chance to put the Falcons away Sunday. Turnovers, thy name is Brian Griese.

Griese has thrown for more than 18,000 yards in his career. He is now 43-36 as a starter (10-7 with the Bucs). Yet, there is one stat that stands out, Griese has never played in a playoff contest.

Gee, I wonder why? Good grief Rick, think about it: If Griese was worth a nickel, do you think Chicago would have let him go?

 This guy is so miserable, he couldn’t beat out Kyle Orton or Rex Grossman — KYLE ORTON!!! Take a moment for that to sink in. Outside of possibly Minnesota, no NFL team has more stiffs at quarterback than Chicago. And Son of Bob is such a talent, he couldn’t unseat either Orton or Grossman!

Think about it Rick: Arguably the game’s best quarterback coach, Mike Shanahan, let Son of Bob go. Why exactly do you think that is? I mean, this guy couldn’t even beat out Jay Fiedler of all people in Miami. Seriously!

And lastly, if Son of Bob was worth a crap, why did Chucky cut him two years ago?

For Griese, it was a good return to action at Raymond James Stadium. The last time he played as a Buc, he got hurt and was released in the offseason. He is a winner again. At least for now.

A winner? What exactly has Son of Bob won in the NFL? Sure, he won a national championship in college. So did Jay Barker and Craig Krenzel. In case you didn’t know it, this is the NFL, not NCAA.

So I guess you call Dieter Brock a winner, too, I mean he was the starting QB on a team that got to the NFC championship? At least Brock had an excuse: he was German! What’s Son of Bob’s excuse?

Teams that go far in the playoffs are settled at quarterback position. The Bucs are settled for now.

No, Rick. Teams that have good quarterbacks, or a sick defense that comes around once in a generation, go far in the playoffs. The Bucs, especially with Son of Bob calling signals, have neither.

THE PESSIMIST: “King of Turds” Returns

Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
The Turd is back.

The "King of Turds" is back.

Well, everyone’s favorite tight end is back with the Bucs. That means a good guy who clearly had a lot of fans in the area is gone, Ben Troupe.

Jerramy Stevens, who last year was revealed to have a less than angelic past while attending the University of Washington, is back on the roster after serving a two-game suspension for “extreme DUI.” Imagine?

Stevens is such a man of high moral honor, he was awarded with the prestigious ProFootballTalk.com’s all-time All-Turd team.

“This guy was the King of the Turds even before his antics at the University of Washington were chronicled by the Seattle Times. And yet he somehow still has a job in the league.”

This distresses Joe a great deal. It’s not like the Bucs are in desperate need of a backup tight end. So why put such a scumbag back on the roster. Or do the Glazer Boys not care to sell tickets or gear to women? Seems as though the Bucs are pushing tickets. So why alienate half of your market with this piece of human debris?

While Joe is not a Gators fan, he marveled at Troupe in college. The former first round pick of Tennessee, Troupe was a steal as a backup Joe thought. Certainly better than the “King of Turds.”

THE PESSIMIST: Nice Job Chucky

Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
Chucks play calling Sunday was enough to make Joe scream.

Chucky's play calling Sunday was enough to make Joe scream.

It’s taken Joe this long to compose himself after Sunday’s loss to the Saints. Simply put, Joe has come to the conclusion Chucky either doesn’t know how to use the talent he has on offense or he is beyond stubborn and sometimes can’t see the street sign he walks right into because he’s too busy looking at the trees.

Given the fact he is friends with Tony LaRussa, what more evidence does Joe need?

Chucky has the deepest group of running backs in the league. He has three that could start at tailback for virtually any team save for Minnesota and San Diego with Earnest Graham, Warrick Dunn and Michael Bennett.

Throw into the equation that the Bucs have such a strong run blocking offensive line, you’d think that against the Saints with their suspect run defense that Chucky would have pounded the ball so much that even a guy like Joe Paterno would start crying for one of those new fangled forward pass thingies.

(How old is Paterno? Ever hear of “The Somme?” Paterno can tell you about it. He was there.)

But nnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooo! Chucky had to be Chucky. He had to be cute. Why he’s even smarter than Brian Billick, just ask him. Let’s pass the ball 40 times and use a no-huddle offense in a frigging dome with 70,000 drunk, screaming ragin’ Cajuns. My, what an offensive genius.

This is not counting that Garcia has been rustier than a ship stranded on a reef for 20 years. Oh yeah, the Bucs best receiver, Joey Galloway, has practiced with the offense just two or three days more than Joe due to the ever troublesome sore groin.

As the game progressed, the few times the Bucs ran they were breaking off solid gains each attempt. You could see it; Joe could see it; anyone walking around with a white cane could see it. Yet Chucky only saw dink-and-dunk passes in an attempt to fool the Saints defense.

The only person Chucky was fooling was himself.

After the game, Chucky blamed himself for a poorly called game. No kidding! You think he may have been able to realize this, oh, I dunno, maybe in the middle of the second quarter?

The sign of a good coach is one that is flexible. A good coach can see what is working and what is not working and tinker accordingly. Only a football version of a LaRussa acolyte would stubbornly keep trying to ram a square peg in a round hole because, by God, He – Chucky — knows better than the drunken sloth at the CITS that pays his salary.

This isn’t the first time Chucky has pulled such a stunt. And sadly it won’t be the last.

Joe knows what the Bucs record is: the Bucs have zero wins. Chucky has one loss.

THE PESSIMIST: Final Drive

Sunday, September 7th, 2008
Chucky mus texplain calling a timing route for Galloway on third down and the game on the line.

Chucky must explain calling a timing route for Galloway on 3rd and 6 with the game on the line.

So much to say about this loss to the Saints. But first, what the heck is with 3rd-and-6 on the final drive and Gruden calls a sideline timing route for Galloway?

Garcia and Gruden were out of sync most of the game, and before that they weren’t on the field together since last season?  This was a horrendous call. Executing that route typically takes a tremendous amount of practice time.

And another thing. Where was Earnest Graham after his breakout run? Where was the running game today? It was working, but seemed to disappear late, as usual.

Strange game. Ugly loss when your defense gives up 400+ yards.

THE PESSIMIST: Saints Better Have a Plan

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
The Glazer family is too smart and savvy to let the NFL steamroll them into screwing up their schedule.

The Glazer family is too smart and savvy to let the NFL steamroll them into screwing up the Bucs' schedule.

The NFL should not force the Bucs into hosting Sunday’s season opener against the New Orleans Saints and moving the November Bucs-Saints game to New Orleans. That just ain’t right. It’s not a fair swap.

Despite the possible backlash, Bucs management should put up a major stink and not be pushed into the change, as it would give the Bucs four consecutive road games in November.

Don’t tell me that after the destruction of Katrina in 2005, New Orleans has no contingency plan to relocate a cancelled game to a neutral field or another site in Louisiana. That would be plain stupid, irresponsible, and any other negative adjective one can muster.

Move the game to another field in Louisiana, or to a neutral site in Arkansas, or somewhere else. Don’t force the Bucs to cover for the Saints lack of foresight and preparation.

This is the NFL. Big business. There’s a reason the league never schedules four consecutive road games. It’s a major negative for a team. And that shouldn’t be thrust on the Bucs because the Saints didn’t make a plan.

THE PESSIMIST is betting his paycheck that Sunday’s game is not in Tampa. Or if it is, it will be classified as a Saints home game and the Bucs will play them in Tampa again in November.

THE PESSIMIST: Quarterback Controversy?

Friday, August 29th, 2008
Gruden wants to keep Griese fresh and pretty so he can "make things interesting" this season.

Gruden wants to keep Griese fresh and pretty so he can "make things interesting" this season.

Favre’s wearing green. Garcia is your No. 1 quarterback. It’s time to deal with it, Chucky.

Why rest Brian Griese for the final preseason game, as was done Thursday night against Houston? Shouldn’t a healthy Griese be in there getting reps, since he might not see action in months?

On the Buccaneers Radio Network, Gruden said Griese sat out “because he’s already made this team. He’s going to make things interesting around here this season?”

What the heck does that mean? If Griese “makes it interesting,” then the season is in pretty bad shape.

Garcia is a better quarterback and a better leader. There is no doubt. There is no maybe. It’s pathetic when the Coach can’t see the value in supporting his No. 1 quarterback.

THE PESSIMIST: Sapp Has New Job; BSPN Loses

Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
Joe is more impressed with Warren Sapp working for the NFL Network than he is working for some terribly lame dancing show.

Joe is more impressed with Warren Sapp working for the NFL Network than he is competing on a terribly lame dancing show.

Joe is not much of a Warren Sapp fan. In fact, Joe is not a Warren Sapp fan. So when Joe learned that the former Bucs great defensive tackle is going to compete on Dancing with the Stars, Joe shrugged his shoulders.

Why? Because Joe hates that tripe of a television show much more than Sapp. Can there be a more worthless reality show on broadcast television (Joe apologizes for the redundancy of the phrase “worthless reality show.”)

In short, any guy who watches that really needs to take a peek and see that his mantools haven’t been surgically removed while he was sleeping. A Sam Kinison skit springs to mind. The fact that a jerk like Sapp is appearing on arguably the worst TV show this side of “Mama’s Family” didn’t mean much to Joe. Eh.

But now Joe has learned Sapp has another new gig on the NFL Network. Seems as though the NFL Network is going to do battle with BSPN on Sunday mornings with a three-hour pregame show and Sapp with be one of the analysts. Anything, and I do mean anything, the NFL Network does blows the four-letter network away. Anyone who has ever watched the NFL Network’s draft coverage knows what Joe means.

(Memo to alleged sports fans in the Tampa Bay area that have Out House Networks: There are five ways to get television piped into your home. Four of those five have NFL Network. Only Out House Networks doesn’t. So what’s your excuse? Let me guess, you enjoy watching the eighth update of the day of the Brandon city park getting a new swing set on Bay Sludge 9?)

The funny thing about this new NFL Network show is that it begins at 10 a.m. What is BSPN broadcasting at 10 a.m.? The Mike Lupica Show.

Joe might actually watch this NFL Network show, even though he long ago quit watching pregame blather. Sleeping off a long day of college football and adult beverage consumption is more valuable than learning about Kyle Boller playing hopscotch with his cousins on his day off. Even if the lovely Bonnie Bernstein is reporting.